Cairns

The clans of Scotland had an ancient tradition that when the men would go off to war each would grab a stone and put it in a pile of other stones: a cairn.  The cairns were reminders to all of those who were fighting and became a symbol of memory, a monument. When the men would come back, each would take his stone back. Those left over were a monument to those who did not come back.  There are cairns in many of the ancient villages of Scotland today. In our time cairns have become markers left by hikers or those who know the trail to show the way to those who come after.

I know about cairns because I lost a good friend of mine last week. He was 38. He has five children 12-2 years in age. He died of annurism of the aorta. He was my neighbor. He was my homeward Bishop. He was a McRae, of the clan McRae and his cousin spoke at his funeral about cairns.

This week I have been faced with mortality. I have lost friends before. Adrienne died of leukemia at age 23. But this one was different. He had a family of his own. He leaves behind more. As I drove through my hometown running errands to keep myself busy, I saw the neighborhood differently. If it were my last day how would it change? I saw the markers of my life.

At the funeral I was able to see friends that I haven't seen since childhood. We were all in shock. A funeral of a young person has a subtle sense of hysteria running through it. "This is not supposed to happen." it screams silently at us. I felt very alone. And then I felt surrounded. It was very strange. A paradox. What cairns do I leave behind. Have I marked the right path with my life? Will I be mourned like that? He lived his life for his family and for others. He lived the right kind of life. I know that he was needed for something pretty important because I can see the important work he left behind undone.

Every so often I think about my life. Am I doing what I am meant to do? Is it time to change something? Something I have control over? I need some new dreams. I need some new conviction to love the world so much that my cairn will count for something.

I miss you Royce.  Your cairn counts for something to me.