Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Last Day of the Year
Here I sit, taking a break from cleaning out my closet in my room in my parents' house. I know that is a very preposition heavy sentence, but all of those locations are important. I am listening to The Beatles and sifting through the detritus of years. That closet was stuffed from floor to ceiling, yes the cliche closet in sit coms and movies. It has been a good activity for the end of the year. It is a frosty day and the sun has just set in Logan. It is 23 degrees outside. I am strangely calm that I don't have many plans for the evening. My parents are out with friends and I am cleaning out my closet, by choice, both physically and metaphysically. I have gone through piles of letters from missionaries who never did marry me, thesis committee notes, poetry of my own and of friends, obituaries, and treasures that I no longer treasure. Throwing things out can be empowering. Like those letters, why keep them? Some I did keep just as proof for my children, but really why hoard them? I threw out roughly 3/4 of the closet's contents and everything is now nicely categorized and stacked in boxes. And somehow now my mind is in the same state. I have been able to think through a lot of garbage and throw out what is not necessary and treasure up some others. I have also created a miscellaneous pile of things that I am not quite ready to get rid of or accept. Things to look through next year maybe. It is a good place to be. So at the end of this year, one of the hardest I have been through, I am glad that the closet door is closed and I am not afraid of what is on the other side. Please don't analyze that for more than I mean it to be. :) Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Day
"And it had come to pass , yea, all things, every whit, according to the words of the prophets. And it came to pass also that a new star did appear, according to the word." ~3 Nephi 1:20-21
The Lord does keep His promises. Happy Christmas.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Happy Birthday Mason Boy!
Today is my nephew Mason's third birthday. Three years ago I was at Kendra's house doing a puzzle and waiting for news. Soon the word came and mom and I went to the hospital in the dead of night and there was the most charming baby boy waiting for us. What a joy he is. He makes me smile with his exuberant love of garbage trucks and dumpsters. He loves singing and Cars. Love you little man!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Longfellow, Handel, and Me
Very often at Christmas time a certain carol will accompany me about my life during the season. Not surprisingly I have been almost haunted by several versions of "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day." This morning I had the opportunity and blessing to be able to attend Music and the Spoken Word with my roommate Annie. After the broadcast there was a mini-concert given by the special guests Brian Stokes Mitchel and Edward Herriman. One of the highlights of the program was called the "Longfellow Section". Edward Herriman told the story behind the beautiful carol inspired by the poem. I here paraphrase:
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet and professor, was no stranger to sorrow. He had already lost his childhood sweetheart and had finally found joy again in a second marriage to Francis (Fanny) Appleton in 1843. The Longfellows soon began to grow and to fill the historic Craigie house with children's laughter. Washington had used that very study as his headquarters during the Revolutionary war.
But now it was the dark winter of 1861. Fanny and Henry were burned in a tragic fire in the library that summer. Francis died of her injuries and Henry had to fight to want to live. He still had five children to raise--alone. Tragedy had not only struck the Longfellows but also the nation. The Civil War had begun. Longfellow faced the darkest time in his life, his journals were empty or cryptic. The first Christmas after Fanny's death, Longfellow wrote, "How inexpressibly sad are all holidays." A year after the incident, he wrote, "I can make no record of these days. Better leave them wrapped in silence. Perhaps someday God will give me peace." Longfellow's journal entry for December 25th 1862 reads: "'A merry Christmas' say the children, but that is no more for me." He would soon bear more adversity. His oldest son Charles who was fighting for the Union was gravely injured and Henry found him just barely alive. With a dying son and a heart full of grief and sadness he penned the lines that would become the carol:
I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Dark were his thoughts. But the answer to his pain had EVERYTHING to do with Christmas. The bells still rang, the children still laughed, and God was still there.
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Let us all remember Longfellow. This Christmas time we have everything to joy about. Life is hard. It has been a very hard year for many in my family and friends. Yet, with much tribulation cometh the blessing. God is not dead. He know us, every hair of our heads. The Economy may be near death, but we are not. Let the spirit of the Christ fill us all with the hope that sounds in every bell at Christmas time.
One of the other touching moments for me was when the choir sang from the Messiah. As the opening chords rolled from that marvelous organ, we stood. My roommate and many others seemed confused as to why we did this. Many felt the power of the song and thought it must be that. But here is the story if you don't know. When Handel made his royal performance of The Messiah--the King was so overcome by the glory of God that he stood. And when the king stands so does everyone else. It has now become the tradition that we commemorate the mortal king paying homage to the King of Kings.
It was glorious. May we all have hope and joy. Believe.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet and professor, was no stranger to sorrow. He had already lost his childhood sweetheart and had finally found joy again in a second marriage to Francis (Fanny) Appleton in 1843. The Longfellows soon began to grow and to fill the historic Craigie house with children's laughter. Washington had used that very study as his headquarters during the Revolutionary war.
But now it was the dark winter of 1861. Fanny and Henry were burned in a tragic fire in the library that summer. Francis died of her injuries and Henry had to fight to want to live. He still had five children to raise--alone. Tragedy had not only struck the Longfellows but also the nation. The Civil War had begun. Longfellow faced the darkest time in his life, his journals were empty or cryptic. The first Christmas after Fanny's death, Longfellow wrote, "How inexpressibly sad are all holidays." A year after the incident, he wrote, "I can make no record of these days. Better leave them wrapped in silence. Perhaps someday God will give me peace." Longfellow's journal entry for December 25th 1862 reads: "'A merry Christmas' say the children, but that is no more for me." He would soon bear more adversity. His oldest son Charles who was fighting for the Union was gravely injured and Henry found him just barely alive. With a dying son and a heart full of grief and sadness he penned the lines that would become the carol:
I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound the carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn, the households born
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Dark were his thoughts. But the answer to his pain had EVERYTHING to do with Christmas. The bells still rang, the children still laughed, and God was still there.
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
Let us all remember Longfellow. This Christmas time we have everything to joy about. Life is hard. It has been a very hard year for many in my family and friends. Yet, with much tribulation cometh the blessing. God is not dead. He know us, every hair of our heads. The Economy may be near death, but we are not. Let the spirit of the Christ fill us all with the hope that sounds in every bell at Christmas time.
One of the other touching moments for me was when the choir sang from the Messiah. As the opening chords rolled from that marvelous organ, we stood. My roommate and many others seemed confused as to why we did this. Many felt the power of the song and thought it must be that. But here is the story if you don't know. When Handel made his royal performance of The Messiah--the King was so overcome by the glory of God that he stood. And when the king stands so does everyone else. It has now become the tradition that we commemorate the mortal king paying homage to the King of Kings.
It was glorious. May we all have hope and joy. Believe.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The Message of the Angels
I have been thinking a lot about the angels--the heavenly host as it were. At Christmas time often the songs we sing are the human version of what the angels sang. I have been thinking about that message. The angel of the Lord brought messages of glad tidings and great joy. "Fear Not" was the overwhelming message to the shepherds. Do we still heed the message of the angels? Do we fear not and make haste to find the Christ?When I was little I thought that there was always one angel, and his name was neither Moroni nor Gabriel. It was Harold. There is a reason for this of course. We sang about him all the time in primary, "Hark, the Harold Angel sings", "I wonder when he comes again, will Harold Angel sing?" Of course now I know, but I miss my Harold Angel. The ordinary youngish angel with a lot of singing to do. I also know now that Angels have many names, and that they are on both sides of the veil--but always with us.
I was particularly touched in the last conferene by Elder Holland's talk about "The Ministry of Angels". He said:
"When the time for this Savior’s advent was at hand, an angel was sent to announce to Mary that she was to be the mother of the Son of God. Then a host of angels was commissioned to sing on the night the baby Jesus was born.4 Shortly thereafter an angel would announce to Joseph that the newborn baby was in danger and that this little family must flee to Egypt for safety.5 When it was safe to return, an angel conveyed that information to the family and the three returned to the land of their heritage.6
From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children. Time in this setting does not allow even a cursory examination of the scriptures or our own latter-day history, which are so filled with accounts of angels ministering to those on earth, but it is rich doctrine and rich history indeed.
Usually such beings are not seen. Sometimes they are. But seen or unseen they are always near. Sometimes their assignments are very grand and have significance for the whole world. Sometimes the messages are more private. Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times. When in Lehi’s dream he found himself in a frightening place, “a dark and dreary waste,” as he described it, he was met by an angel, “a man . . . dressed in a white robe; . . . he spake unto me,” Lehi said, “and bade me follow him.”7 Lehi did follow him to safety and ultimately to the path of salvation.
In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement. Our present day is filled with global distress over financial crises, energy problems, terrorist attacks, and natural calamities. These translate into individual and family concerns not only about homes in which to live and food available to eat but also about the ultimate safety and well-being of our children and the latter-day prophecies about our planet. More serious than these—and sometimes related to them—are matters of ethical, moral, and spiritual decay seen in populations large and small, at home and abroad. But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself. Matthew records in his gospel that after Satan had tempted Christ in the wilderness “angels came and ministered unto him.”8 Even the Son of God, a God Himself, had need for heavenly comfort during His sojourn in mortality. And so such ministrations will be to the righteous until the end of time.
As Mormon said to his son Moroni, who would one day be an angel:
“Has the day of miracles ceased?
“Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?
“Behold I say unto you, Nay; for . . . it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men. . . .
“For behold, they are subject unto [Christ], to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness.”9
I ask everyone within the sound of my voice to take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He “would fight [our] battles, [our] children’s battles, and [the battles of our] children’s children.”10 And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to “search diligently, pray always, and be believing[. Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.”11 The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants."
Happy Christmas
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Glad Tidings of Good Joy
As Finals creeps slowly closer--in my mind I always quote WB Yeats' The Second Coming "And what rough beast its hour come round at last, /Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born." It is a strange paradoxical time. Things become harder, eating, sleeping, not being grouchy, the world is darker. Pressures mount. Anyone who thinks teachers are fine at finals has no idea of that which they speak. I have been grading straight since mid-October and will today read over 800 pages of student writing in 75 essays. And that is not even what I have to grade for finals. I know, I know, I hear you say "If you don't like it you shouldn't have chosen to be a teacher." And sadly and slowly I shake my head. Many joyous things in life have dark sides. Like Christmas--finals always comes before. But in this time of hardness it is also the season of lights. Christ was "the light that shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not." My quest is not to be the darkness. So in this rough time before the joy, the tribulation before the blessing, I give you this quote by Hugh Nibley:
" Like the angels, the prophets bring glad tiding of great joy, the assurance that our Redeemer lives and that he had come to earth and taken upon himself the task of atoning for our inadequacy. In the boundless jubilation that comes like a vast sigh of relief with that assurance, all other cares and worries shrivel to insignificance. . . We are commanded to be joyful because he has borne our sorrows. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief so that we need not be . . .
If the world is a dark and dreary place, it is because we prefer it that way, for there is nothing in the world that can keep a man from joy if joy is what he wants. Direct access to our Father in Heaven through prayer is always open. Be right there we draw back; as soon as we gain a distant glimpse of it, we are not so sure whether we want this joy. It is altogether too much for us to bear. We must learn by degrees to live with it. It is not strange that we are afraid of so great and overpowering a thing--that we are overawed by the feeling that all this is too good for us. The fact that that it is too good for us--much too good and the message of the prophets and the Church to us here is that we must awake and prepare ourselves as good and faithful servants to enter into the joy of the Lord. We are not ready yet. It was the glory of the Lord shining round about that made the shepherds sore afraid, so that the angel had to reassure them that he was bringing only joyful news, good tidings of great joy, for he had been sent to announce, as all the prophets have, the coming to earth of the Redeemer. That has been the joyful message of all the prophets. That we may come to support not the burden of great suffering, but the much greater impact of limitless joy is the purpose of our training here. "In the world ye shall have tribulation," says the Lord to his prophets, "but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world."
What the World teaches us, if we would believe the wisest men. . . is to live gracefully in the wan shadow of ever-present sorrow. To the Prophets such teaching is posturing pretence and lame surrender, for they know better; there is the far harder task of persuading men to accept and to live with, boundless and everlasting joy."
Hmmm, that puts a different spin on things doesn't it?
Joy in the Season
Joy in Christ
Joyeaux Noel.
In memorium: Attack on Pearl Harbor Dec. 7, 1941
" Like the angels, the prophets bring glad tiding of great joy, the assurance that our Redeemer lives and that he had come to earth and taken upon himself the task of atoning for our inadequacy. In the boundless jubilation that comes like a vast sigh of relief with that assurance, all other cares and worries shrivel to insignificance. . . We are commanded to be joyful because he has borne our sorrows. He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief so that we need not be . . .
If the world is a dark and dreary place, it is because we prefer it that way, for there is nothing in the world that can keep a man from joy if joy is what he wants. Direct access to our Father in Heaven through prayer is always open. Be right there we draw back; as soon as we gain a distant glimpse of it, we are not so sure whether we want this joy. It is altogether too much for us to bear. We must learn by degrees to live with it. It is not strange that we are afraid of so great and overpowering a thing--that we are overawed by the feeling that all this is too good for us. The fact that that it is too good for us--much too good and the message of the prophets and the Church to us here is that we must awake and prepare ourselves as good and faithful servants to enter into the joy of the Lord. We are not ready yet. It was the glory of the Lord shining round about that made the shepherds sore afraid, so that the angel had to reassure them that he was bringing only joyful news, good tidings of great joy, for he had been sent to announce, as all the prophets have, the coming to earth of the Redeemer. That has been the joyful message of all the prophets. That we may come to support not the burden of great suffering, but the much greater impact of limitless joy is the purpose of our training here. "In the world ye shall have tribulation," says the Lord to his prophets, "but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world."
What the World teaches us, if we would believe the wisest men. . . is to live gracefully in the wan shadow of ever-present sorrow. To the Prophets such teaching is posturing pretence and lame surrender, for they know better; there is the far harder task of persuading men to accept and to live with, boundless and everlasting joy."
Hmmm, that puts a different spin on things doesn't it?
Joy in the Season
Joy in Christ
Joyeaux Noel.
In memorium: Attack on Pearl Harbor Dec. 7, 1941
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Christ Spirit
" True happiness comes only by making others happy--the practical application of the Savior's doctrine of losing one's life to gain it. In short, the Christmas Spirit is the Christ Spirit, that makes our hearts glow in brotherly love and friendship and prompts us to kind deeds of service.
It is the spirit of the gospel of Jesus Christ, obedience to which will bring peace on earth because it means--good will toward all men."
President David O. Mckay
I have been thinking about one of my heros, Joseph B. Wirthlin. I love this servant of God so much. I am so happy that he is with Heavenly Father and his beloved mother and his wife Elisa. So to add to the Christmas cheer here is one of his many amazing anecdotes. It always makes me think of my dad. :)
"Ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth (D&C 50:40).
My parents were hardworking. They made every penny stretch as far as possible. That was probably the reason everything they gave me was always two or three sizes too large.
When I was thirteen years old, I wanted football shoulder pads and a helmet more than anything else. On Christmas morning, I opened my packages and there they were: shoulder pads and a helmet—sized to fit Goliath!
“Mother, they’re too big,” I complained.
“Be grateful for what you have, Joseph,” she said. “Don’t worry—you’ll grow into them.”
When I put on the new equipment, the shoulder pads hung so far over my shoulders that about the only things they protected were my elbows.
Even though I stuffed cotton and newspapers into the helmet, it jostled every time I took a step. When I ran, it would turn and turn until I was looking out through an ear hole. One time I rambled for a long gain right into a tree. Each time I was tackled, the helmet would spin 180 degrees and I’d get up looking like my head had spun with it. How I yearned to grow into that helmet!
I had even more important growing to do. My father was truly a great man. I remember one day putting my feet in my father’s shoes. I was amazed at the size. Will I ever be big enough to fill his shoes? I wondered. Can I ever grow into the man my father is?
I look back with tenderness to my dear mother’s encouraging words, “Don’t worry, Joseph—you’ll grow into them.”
In a similar way, we all need to learn how to grow into our duties as members of the Lord’s Church. Heavenly Father loves you. He is the Father of your spirit. That makes you His literal child. As such, you have inherited the potential to become like Him. His greatest desire is that you grow in this life, becoming more like Him so that one day you can return to His presence.
It is my prayer that we may all grow into the kind of people our Heavenly Father wants us to be."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Welcome Christmas Come This Way
"Again Christmas, abiding point of return. Set apart by its mystery, mood and magic, the season seems, in a way to stand outside time. All that is dear, that is lasting, renews its hold on us: we are home again." ~Elizabeth Bowen
And so suddenly it is December. What craziness. Time seems to fly so much faster as an adult than it did as a child. When my neice Rylie asked when I was coming home again, I told her at Christmas time. She groaned and said that was so far away. When really I will be home on the eighteenth. I remember it seemed so long between Thanksgiving and Christmas~now it surprises me that it is time to put the tree up. I was a good girl this year and didn't start listening to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving. And as is truly my fashion I have created a list of favorite Christmas songs, mostly secular because the hymns are a given, that signal that it is again the Season of Joy. The soundtrack is playing just left of the post. Feel free to scroll through and listen to your favorites. Each has a memory attatched. There are repeats, and covers, and all sorts of silliness, but that is part of Christmas to me. Enjoy.
And so suddenly it is December. What craziness. Time seems to fly so much faster as an adult than it did as a child. When my neice Rylie asked when I was coming home again, I told her at Christmas time. She groaned and said that was so far away. When really I will be home on the eighteenth. I remember it seemed so long between Thanksgiving and Christmas~now it surprises me that it is time to put the tree up. I was a good girl this year and didn't start listening to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving. And as is truly my fashion I have created a list of favorite Christmas songs, mostly secular because the hymns are a given, that signal that it is again the Season of Joy. The soundtrack is playing just left of the post. Feel free to scroll through and listen to your favorites. Each has a memory attatched. There are repeats, and covers, and all sorts of silliness, but that is part of Christmas to me. Enjoy.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The Month of Halloween
I was very busy this October, so here is a catch up of what has been going on in my life.
It was extremely difficult to capture the pumpkins on film. It was absolutely amazing.
These turned out better.
But I finally resorted to film. These are really crazy because I was filming one handed.
Then there was the ward party where I reprised my role as Belle. I was accompanied by my roommates and friends.
Rebecca Zufelt has always wanted to be old,so she was old for Halloween. Shannon Lacey is Sponge Bob Square Pants, I am Belle. Cheryl is Maggie Carpenter from "Runaway Bride". Annie is a Hokey Pokey Instructor with all of her parts labled.
That night we went out to eat dressed up. It was a blast.
I am Millie, Shannon is Sponge Bob, Cheryl is Maggie, and Annie is a Vampire.
One of the highlights of the month was going to the Syracuse Pumpkin Walk with my friends. Jared Garlick is a very serious pumpkin carver and the evening was magical. I also got to meet my best friend's significant other--I like him. :) We went through the pumpkin walk and then got pies from Marie Callender--seconds before it closed, and then went to Jared's house to eat pies around the table in the wee small hours. It was perfect.
It was extremely difficult to capture the pumpkins on film. It was absolutely amazing.These turned out better.But I finally resorted to film. These are really crazy because I was filming one handed.
Then there was the ward party where I reprised my role as Belle. I was accompanied by my roommates and friends.
Rebecca Zufelt has always wanted to be old,so she was old for Halloween. Shannon Lacey is Sponge Bob Square Pants, I am Belle. Cheryl is Maggie Carpenter from "Runaway Bride". Annie is a Hokey Pokey Instructor with all of her parts labled.
Then on Halloween Day I taught school dressed as Thoroughly Modern Millie. I only had three students dress up. But I had to get a picture with Lee who is dressed as Wednesday Adams from the Adams Family.
That night we went out to eat dressed up. It was a blast.
I am Millie, Shannon is Sponge Bob, Cheryl is Maggie, and Annie is a Vampire.
Answers from the strangest places . . .
"Stand Back Up" by Sugarland
Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor,
but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way,
but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,
So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Literary Ponderings
Today I have been in a "nostalgic" mood. One of my students aptly named me nostalgic in one of our discussions about books and technology. I walked through Barnes & Noble this morning, and I couldn't help but thinking of my life.
As I lovingly touched the spines of my favorite books in new editions and found new books by favorite authors, I thought of my love of books and how it has shaped me as a writer. While humming along to the ever playing soundtrack of "Mama Mia" and spending way to much money on books that are worth it, I began to think back about my past as a reader and writer.
When I was eleven I got really sick. I was unable to attend school, and for some time I was unable to leave my bed. I had horrible insomnia even though I was so tired--that is actually the perfect definition of insomnia. I was separated from friends by the very fact that I wasn't around. My family was AMAZING and tried to supplement my lack of human contact as much as they could. But after everyone went to bed I faced hours of silence and alone time. This lasted for about three years. In that time I consumed books at an alarming rate. I read things that most eleven year olds had never heard of: Moby Dick, Little Women, A Room with a View, Meditation's of Marcus Aurelius, Cold Sassy Tree, Little Men, Jo's Boys, Walden, the Journals of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Les Miserables, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, To Kill a Mockingbird, Dandelion Wine, Anne of Green Gables, Ivan Hoe, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers, Around the World in 80 Days, Journey to the Center of the Earth, the poems of TS Eliot, Walt Whitman. I read all of my parents' old college text books--my mother's Victorian and Elizabethan poets were an especial treat. I read Hamlet for the first time and what my brother was reading two years ahead of me.
I began to write myself into movie plots and book plots, peopling the night with friends and teachers. I also watched a lot of movies, documentaries, TV shows, and read magazines and academic journals. I don't really remember anything else but the books and knowledge I received from that time. At one point my optic nerve was affected and I couldn't read. It was like literally going blind, though I could see, I couldn't read so I felt like I couldn't see. I began listening to books on tape and that was a whole new ball game. I listened to everything--with good taste of course. I became the family librarian. I would send my mother to the library with a long list of books for me and then I would distribute to the family.
By the time I got better and made it to high school I was a rather peculiar child as you might guess. I had begun writing in journals and writing stories and though health had kind of returned, I still kept up my habit of binging on books. Health has been a wary visitor for me, and I often have to keep in touch with reality through my books. I realize I didn't have a normal childhood and I don't expect anyone else to go out and lose themselves in a library. But I think about all that I know, somethings I wish I didn't know, and all of the knowledge I have amassed and realize that I am who I am the sum of all of my experiences. Even though many of them were incredibly painful or scary I realize I could never be who I am with out them. For me reading and writing were my only contact with the world--even the Science Fiction seemed more real than my life at that time. And so I affirm that though the path is long and winding, and less traveled by--"it has made all the difference."
As I lovingly touched the spines of my favorite books in new editions and found new books by favorite authors, I thought of my love of books and how it has shaped me as a writer. While humming along to the ever playing soundtrack of "Mama Mia" and spending way to much money on books that are worth it, I began to think back about my past as a reader and writer.
When I was eleven I got really sick. I was unable to attend school, and for some time I was unable to leave my bed. I had horrible insomnia even though I was so tired--that is actually the perfect definition of insomnia. I was separated from friends by the very fact that I wasn't around. My family was AMAZING and tried to supplement my lack of human contact as much as they could. But after everyone went to bed I faced hours of silence and alone time. This lasted for about three years. In that time I consumed books at an alarming rate. I read things that most eleven year olds had never heard of: Moby Dick, Little Women, A Room with a View, Meditation's of Marcus Aurelius, Cold Sassy Tree, Little Men, Jo's Boys, Walden, the Journals of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Les Miserables, Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, To Kill a Mockingbird, Dandelion Wine, Anne of Green Gables, Ivan Hoe, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Three Musketeers, Around the World in 80 Days, Journey to the Center of the Earth, the poems of TS Eliot, Walt Whitman. I read all of my parents' old college text books--my mother's Victorian and Elizabethan poets were an especial treat. I read Hamlet for the first time and what my brother was reading two years ahead of me.
I began to write myself into movie plots and book plots, peopling the night with friends and teachers. I also watched a lot of movies, documentaries, TV shows, and read magazines and academic journals. I don't really remember anything else but the books and knowledge I received from that time. At one point my optic nerve was affected and I couldn't read. It was like literally going blind, though I could see, I couldn't read so I felt like I couldn't see. I began listening to books on tape and that was a whole new ball game. I listened to everything--with good taste of course. I became the family librarian. I would send my mother to the library with a long list of books for me and then I would distribute to the family.
By the time I got better and made it to high school I was a rather peculiar child as you might guess. I had begun writing in journals and writing stories and though health had kind of returned, I still kept up my habit of binging on books. Health has been a wary visitor for me, and I often have to keep in touch with reality through my books. I realize I didn't have a normal childhood and I don't expect anyone else to go out and lose themselves in a library. But I think about all that I know, somethings I wish I didn't know, and all of the knowledge I have amassed and realize that I am who I am the sum of all of my experiences. Even though many of them were incredibly painful or scary I realize I could never be who I am with out them. For me reading and writing were my only contact with the world--even the Science Fiction seemed more real than my life at that time. And so I affirm that though the path is long and winding, and less traveled by--"it has made all the difference."
Monday, October 20, 2008
Seven Frightful Facts
I have been tagged by Karaline and asked to write down seven weird or unknown things about me. So here we go.
1. If I could be anything and money was not an option here is a list of jobs I want:
Teacher
Princess
Crayon Namer for Crayola
Taste Tester and Ice cream Flavor Creator for Ben and Jerry's
2. I have a list of crazy things I want to do someday, here are the highlights:
I want to go to stunt driving school.
I want to recite Sonnet 116 in the Globe Theater in Strattford-upon-Avon
I want to sing in a real razzle dazzle tambourine toting Baptist Gospel Choir
3. I am afraid of not have something to write with or on, or read. I always carry at least 20 pens and pencils of various shades and have been known to write on menus, books, receipts, my arm, etc. If I don't have something to read I will read labels, shampoo bottles, wrappers, anything--just to read.
4. Sometimes I have dreams that come true.
5. I am afraid of nursing homes.
6. Doorways make me nervous, always have. You never know what will come through them.
7. I have a wandering kidney.
1. If I could be anything and money was not an option here is a list of jobs I want:
Teacher
Princess
Crayon Namer for Crayola
Taste Tester and Ice cream Flavor Creator for Ben and Jerry's
2. I have a list of crazy things I want to do someday, here are the highlights:
I want to go to stunt driving school.
I want to recite Sonnet 116 in the Globe Theater in Strattford-upon-Avon
I want to sing in a real razzle dazzle tambourine toting Baptist Gospel Choir
3. I am afraid of not have something to write with or on, or read. I always carry at least 20 pens and pencils of various shades and have been known to write on menus, books, receipts, my arm, etc. If I don't have something to read I will read labels, shampoo bottles, wrappers, anything--just to read.
4. Sometimes I have dreams that come true.
5. I am afraid of nursing homes.
6. Doorways make me nervous, always have. You never know what will come through them.
7. I have a wandering kidney.
Arches
I still can see the burnt orange of those towers of Navajo sandstone if I close my eyes. They seem to be deeply engraved on my mind's eye--a sunburn that never goes away. The fins raise their arched backs to the sky like primeval cats of red stone hunching up in an eternal s-t-r-e-t-c-h.
This sandbox that I never want to leave is peopled with ring tail squirrels, Mormon tea, sagebrush, scrub oak just beginning to change color, and jack rabbit. Also vacationing in the camp ground, much to our chagrin, was a mountain lion.* One night we discovered that the large rounded paw prints in the sand did not belong to a dog, but to an actual mountain lion. Apparently he had been stalking jack rabbits in the rounded and full mooned nights and then we barged into his territory. I had always heard that rabbits scream when they are killed, but until that frosty star filled night when I heard it--I didn't truly believe in the primal horror of that death scream. My cousin Elizabeth awoke the next morning, pale eyes wide, and never was quite the same. At night before every astonishing moon rise, the stars were overwhelming--like an overturned colander with some cosmic flashlight shinning through each of its numerous holes.
Orion danced across the star-horizon, the triangle of Leo's head winked at the poor upside down W of Cassiopeia. The milky way in sheets and streaks nestling the pleiades--the seven sisters--much like my mother and her siblings--though there are only six of them and two are boys--okay so maybe the pleiades really has nothing to do with us, but for some reason they seem like our "home" stars. At night after everyone returned from hiking we gather around the huge sparky hardwood fires made possible by my brother's flooring business and my grandma and I quote poetry to each other. I quote The Jabberwocky and she remembers helping uncle Matt memorize it for his crazy ninth grade English teacher, and she quotes The Children's Hour in memory of finding our magic cave--a little sandstone alcove about four feet up the fin covered by a juniper tree. It is still there, twelve years later. We both get stuck on Invictus and can't recite the last stanza and we veer off into Kipling and can't remember the poem or the title just the ending, "and then you'll be a man, my son." Then we slide into "To thine own self be true" which grandma absentmindedly attributes to Polonius addressing Claudius--which just makes it more funny. Then we move on to "the sound and fury--Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow" the sad soliloquy from Macbeth. We are both agitated that we can't remember "Invictus" and when we both return home we search for it and catch each other through email and instant message as we send it to each other, along with "If" by Rudyard Kipling. She sends me a scan of a book that will come to me when she is gone--something I still can't quite believe will happen--of a poem that she has written my name in the margin. Overall it has been very satisfying. A hodge podge of somnolence, heat, cold, loss, joy--everything primal and powerful, the way it should be in such a place as Arches.
*Everything from here on out may or may not have happened to me or the way I wrote it, it just kind of took over, so for you who were there just enjoy it as a bit of nonsense.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Soundtrack 2008
Yes dear friends, it is that time of year again. It is time to make your life into a movie and give it a soundtrack. I have updated many items lately and I think you will enjoy some of the more obscure tunes. You are hearing it right now. So go to the bottom of the blog if you want to browse my soundtrack.
"In My Life": The Soundtrack of Alisha Geary
1. "The Rose" Bette Midler--along with 2."Another one Bites the Dust" by Queen this was the most popular song the year I was born.
3. “Capital I” from Sesame Street. I was a big fan of Sesame Street. I loved it so. This is one of the most beautiful little ditties. Jared and I agree on this one. I was around 1 1/2, I think when I first remember this.
4. “We are the World” USA for Africa, ahh the smell of diesel and suntan lotion, the trip to the Lake and the Camper rolling back on the tire catchers. Sigh…lots of cussing from Papa.
5. “Pinball Counting Song” okay, everyone remembers this right--The pinball counting song from Sesame Street by the Pointer Sisters?
6. “Bein’ Green” Kermit the Frog. This song first taught me about the sadness and strength that comes from being different. I would remember it when I faced my own green days.
7. “Music Box Dancer” Frank Mills. This song takes me back to my grandma’s dance studio watching Aunt Julie and Karen to point ballet.
8. “C is for Cookie” okay, I love cookies and I love Sesame Street. Was it any wonder that Cookie Monster was my favorite?
9. "Islands in the Stream" Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, oh those good old days in the mellow yellow car going to Reams. I knew every word.
10. "The Glory of Love" Peter Cetera, from The Karate Kid 2, a favorite of me and my brother's. We would recreate that fateful last scene in the castle. But after Aaron did the crane on me we were encouraged not to play Karate Kid anymore.
11. "Chariots of Fire" Vangelis, amazing electric score for an amazing movie, reminds me of grandma's house and Aaron.
12. "Sweet Caroline" Neil Diamond, every Saturday we would play games and listen to oldies. Neil Diamond was a favorite for my mom and her sisters. This song reminds me of my cousin and all of the family singing to their wedding video. Jake's family must think we are crazy.
13. " Love me Tender" Elvis, "Is this the King?" I loved Elvis as a small child.
14. "Tomorrow" Annie Soundtrack, I would watch this every time I went to my Grandma Geary's. I love that movie so much.
15. "Rocky Raccoon" The Beatles, the fateful Badger Creek Youth Conference when it snowed.
16. " I am a Rock " Simon and Garfunkle, I was sick a lot and for a while this was my theme song. "I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me. . . "
17. "Kodachrome" Simon and Garfunkle, you should hear what my mom thinks the words to this song are. Also reminds me of debate and our tee-shirts. The first verse is choice.
18. "Norwegian Wood" The Beatles, I listened to the Beatles every day but Sunday in high school.
19. "Drive my Car" The Beatles, learning to drive, not wanting to drive, hating to drive.15. " Magical Mystery Tour" The Beatles, Aaron left and I got to drive "Old Bess" our 1972 GMC orange and white striped truck with the fake wood stripe. I learned to love to drive in that Truck!
20. "Bitter Sweet Symphony" Senior Year, need I say more. I will never go back.17. "Wide Open Spaces" The Dixie Chicks--going to Snow and learning to tolerate Country music
21. "You wear Flowers" Peter Brienholt, Snow College
22. "Yesterday" The Bealtes, singing in LD Singers
23. " Good Day Sunshine" The Bealtes, getting to know and love my friend Liz Parnell
24. "Just to See You Smile" Tim McGraw, the first country song I liked. Kelly and Andrea used to play it in their room all of the time--at the same time as "California". Rap and Country!?!
25. "Lullabye" Billy Joel, LD Singers and Natalie
26. "And So It Goes" Billy Joel, Betsy's concert and finding the Mead House
27. "Into the Woods" Stephen Soundheim, bonding with Kathy and April
28. "Long Ago and Far Away" Jo Stafford. Grandpa Geary dies
29. "Your Song" Elton John, back to Logan, rediscovering some many friendsips with old friends like my brother, Brianna, Devin, Josh, Jordan, Bryan. Meeting Brooke and Jamie and JR. All of those nights playing cards and Full Contact Murder in the Dark.
30. " Invisible" Clay Aiken, intro to American Idol, I will always think of Brianna
31. "Waiting All My Life" Rascal Flatts, Aaron realizing that he had finally met "the one". I knew it when he started listening to country. :)
32. "It's Not Just Me" Aaron and Brooke get married! I finally get a sister.
33"To Where you Are" Josh Groban, Adrienne's Death at 23 of Leukemia
34 "Another Brick in the Wall" Pink Floyd, Graduate School and Teaching, Enter Steven Haderlie
35 "Forever in Blue Jeans" Neil Diamond, Graduate School and teaching
36 "White Christmas" The Drifters, The chior party where Thad proposed to me with Willie
37 "Defying Gravity" Wicked, Kendra Kendra Kendra
38 "I'm not that Girl" Wicked, my old theme song with boys
39 "You Look Wonderful tonight" Eric Clapton, the Spring Dance, Jodie and Steve's first date--had a blast with Thad
40"Lost" LOST, LOST parties and Wednesday nights
41"We are the Champions" Queen, I defended my thesis and graduated
42"This never happened" Paul McCartney, the Lake House and that great summer before I left. The pool parties with Anne and Kendra, Reba and Melissa, Jennie. When we went to "The Lake House" with Bryan after he threw Kendra into the pool and I went in of my own accord.
43. "Bad Day" Daniel Powter, first day in Provo
44. "Ooh Child" Five Stairsteps, Provo getting better
45. "Feeling Good" Michael Buble, loving life as a teacher and Provo--go figure. This reminds me of singing in the car with Sheri, Annie, Cheryl, Nicole, and Becca
46. "Chasing Cars" Snow Patrol, Thad's birthday meeting Curtis and the crew and Thad's siblings who would all become my neighbors.
47."You are Loved" Josh Groban, break up with Nick and moving on
48. "Nutcracker Suite" Peter I. Tchaikovsky, Going to the Nutcracker with Annie, Sheri, Cheryl, and then being ballerinas in the living room.
49. “Christmas Eve-Sarajevo” Trans Siberian Orchestra, that night we found the house with the lights in sync, meeting the "oft talked about" Jared for the first time and discovering a kindred spirit over a discussion of Christmas lights.
50."Agony" Into the Woods, when I came home and we went up to the Ski Lodge and played games and sang songs all the way there and back with Thad, me, Kendra, and Jared, a cherished memory
51."Pressure" David Bowie and Queen, working 75 hours a week at APX and teaching, writing a book with a 2 month deadline, ward choir!?! and friends who lost their minds. Meeting darling Esther.
52. "Paperback Writer" My Books are published
53. "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast, my 27th Birthday and the surprises of going to the play and the birthday party after. This is probably the best birthday I have ever had.
54. "Life is Beautiful" Vega 4--life is good, my fall and spring semester of 2007 and 2008. Living with my good friends, meeting wonderful new friends Nick, James, and Jon, Skyler, and Rob.
55. "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" Cinderella, Being a princess for the Make a Wish Foundation
56. "I’m Yours” Jason Mraz, Going to Florida to grade AP Tests
57. "No More Drama" Mary j Blige, a Summer of hard knocks and great mental and physical anguish
58. "Stand" Rascall Flatts, learning that great adversity can teach you more about yourself than any other kind of experience--finding more pieces of myself.
59. "Mas Que Nada" Sergio Mendes, more happy times from this summer, the Brazil Party where Curtis turns up yet again like a stranger in the night.
60. "Summer Samba" singing with Jed in the twilight.
61. "Wake Me Up when September Ends" Greenday, I thought this every time I was faced with coming back to school after dealing with major health problems this August.
62. "Anyway" Martina McBride, realizing that what I do is important and that even if I get smashed down I should do what I love doing, writing and teaching. Great line "God is great, but sometimes life ain't good, and when I pray it doesn't always come out like I think it should, but I do it anyway."
63. "Say" John Mayer. Say what you need to say.
So far...
"In My Life": The Soundtrack of Alisha Geary
1. "The Rose" Bette Midler--along with 2."Another one Bites the Dust" by Queen this was the most popular song the year I was born.
3. “Capital I” from Sesame Street. I was a big fan of Sesame Street. I loved it so. This is one of the most beautiful little ditties. Jared and I agree on this one. I was around 1 1/2, I think when I first remember this.
4. “We are the World” USA for Africa, ahh the smell of diesel and suntan lotion, the trip to the Lake and the Camper rolling back on the tire catchers. Sigh…lots of cussing from Papa.
5. “Pinball Counting Song” okay, everyone remembers this right--The pinball counting song from Sesame Street by the Pointer Sisters?
6. “Bein’ Green” Kermit the Frog. This song first taught me about the sadness and strength that comes from being different. I would remember it when I faced my own green days.
7. “Music Box Dancer” Frank Mills. This song takes me back to my grandma’s dance studio watching Aunt Julie and Karen to point ballet.
8. “C is for Cookie” okay, I love cookies and I love Sesame Street. Was it any wonder that Cookie Monster was my favorite?
9. "Islands in the Stream" Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, oh those good old days in the mellow yellow car going to Reams. I knew every word.
10. "The Glory of Love" Peter Cetera, from The Karate Kid 2, a favorite of me and my brother's. We would recreate that fateful last scene in the castle. But after Aaron did the crane on me we were encouraged not to play Karate Kid anymore.
11. "Chariots of Fire" Vangelis, amazing electric score for an amazing movie, reminds me of grandma's house and Aaron.
12. "Sweet Caroline" Neil Diamond, every Saturday we would play games and listen to oldies. Neil Diamond was a favorite for my mom and her sisters. This song reminds me of my cousin and all of the family singing to their wedding video. Jake's family must think we are crazy.
13. " Love me Tender" Elvis, "Is this the King?" I loved Elvis as a small child.
14. "Tomorrow" Annie Soundtrack, I would watch this every time I went to my Grandma Geary's. I love that movie so much.
15. "Rocky Raccoon" The Beatles, the fateful Badger Creek Youth Conference when it snowed.
16. " I am a Rock " Simon and Garfunkle, I was sick a lot and for a while this was my theme song. "I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me. . . "
17. "Kodachrome" Simon and Garfunkle, you should hear what my mom thinks the words to this song are. Also reminds me of debate and our tee-shirts. The first verse is choice.
18. "Norwegian Wood" The Beatles, I listened to the Beatles every day but Sunday in high school.
19. "Drive my Car" The Beatles, learning to drive, not wanting to drive, hating to drive.15. " Magical Mystery Tour" The Beatles, Aaron left and I got to drive "Old Bess" our 1972 GMC orange and white striped truck with the fake wood stripe. I learned to love to drive in that Truck!
20. "Bitter Sweet Symphony" Senior Year, need I say more. I will never go back.17. "Wide Open Spaces" The Dixie Chicks--going to Snow and learning to tolerate Country music
21. "You wear Flowers" Peter Brienholt, Snow College
22. "Yesterday" The Bealtes, singing in LD Singers
23. " Good Day Sunshine" The Bealtes, getting to know and love my friend Liz Parnell
24. "Just to See You Smile" Tim McGraw, the first country song I liked. Kelly and Andrea used to play it in their room all of the time--at the same time as "California". Rap and Country!?!
25. "Lullabye" Billy Joel, LD Singers and Natalie
26. "And So It Goes" Billy Joel, Betsy's concert and finding the Mead House
27. "Into the Woods" Stephen Soundheim, bonding with Kathy and April
28. "Long Ago and Far Away" Jo Stafford. Grandpa Geary dies
29. "Your Song" Elton John, back to Logan, rediscovering some many friendsips with old friends like my brother, Brianna, Devin, Josh, Jordan, Bryan. Meeting Brooke and Jamie and JR. All of those nights playing cards and Full Contact Murder in the Dark.
30. " Invisible" Clay Aiken, intro to American Idol, I will always think of Brianna
31. "Waiting All My Life" Rascal Flatts, Aaron realizing that he had finally met "the one". I knew it when he started listening to country. :)
32. "It's Not Just Me" Aaron and Brooke get married! I finally get a sister.
33"To Where you Are" Josh Groban, Adrienne's Death at 23 of Leukemia
34 "Another Brick in the Wall" Pink Floyd, Graduate School and Teaching, Enter Steven Haderlie
35 "Forever in Blue Jeans" Neil Diamond, Graduate School and teaching
36 "White Christmas" The Drifters, The chior party where Thad proposed to me with Willie
37 "Defying Gravity" Wicked, Kendra Kendra Kendra
38 "I'm not that Girl" Wicked, my old theme song with boys
39 "You Look Wonderful tonight" Eric Clapton, the Spring Dance, Jodie and Steve's first date--had a blast with Thad
40"Lost" LOST, LOST parties and Wednesday nights
41"We are the Champions" Queen, I defended my thesis and graduated
42"This never happened" Paul McCartney, the Lake House and that great summer before I left. The pool parties with Anne and Kendra, Reba and Melissa, Jennie. When we went to "The Lake House" with Bryan after he threw Kendra into the pool and I went in of my own accord.
43. "Bad Day" Daniel Powter, first day in Provo
44. "Ooh Child" Five Stairsteps, Provo getting better
45. "Feeling Good" Michael Buble, loving life as a teacher and Provo--go figure. This reminds me of singing in the car with Sheri, Annie, Cheryl, Nicole, and Becca
46. "Chasing Cars" Snow Patrol, Thad's birthday meeting Curtis and the crew and Thad's siblings who would all become my neighbors.
47."You are Loved" Josh Groban, break up with Nick and moving on
48. "Nutcracker Suite" Peter I. Tchaikovsky, Going to the Nutcracker with Annie, Sheri, Cheryl, and then being ballerinas in the living room.
49. “Christmas Eve-Sarajevo” Trans Siberian Orchestra, that night we found the house with the lights in sync, meeting the "oft talked about" Jared for the first time and discovering a kindred spirit over a discussion of Christmas lights.
50."Agony" Into the Woods, when I came home and we went up to the Ski Lodge and played games and sang songs all the way there and back with Thad, me, Kendra, and Jared, a cherished memory
51."Pressure" David Bowie and Queen, working 75 hours a week at APX and teaching, writing a book with a 2 month deadline, ward choir!?! and friends who lost their minds. Meeting darling Esther.
52. "Paperback Writer" My Books are published
53. "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast, my 27th Birthday and the surprises of going to the play and the birthday party after. This is probably the best birthday I have ever had.
54. "Life is Beautiful" Vega 4--life is good, my fall and spring semester of 2007 and 2008. Living with my good friends, meeting wonderful new friends Nick, James, and Jon, Skyler, and Rob.
55. "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" Cinderella, Being a princess for the Make a Wish Foundation
56. "I’m Yours” Jason Mraz, Going to Florida to grade AP Tests
57. "No More Drama" Mary j Blige, a Summer of hard knocks and great mental and physical anguish
58. "Stand" Rascall Flatts, learning that great adversity can teach you more about yourself than any other kind of experience--finding more pieces of myself.
59. "Mas Que Nada" Sergio Mendes, more happy times from this summer, the Brazil Party where Curtis turns up yet again like a stranger in the night.
60. "Summer Samba" singing with Jed in the twilight.
61. "Wake Me Up when September Ends" Greenday, I thought this every time I was faced with coming back to school after dealing with major health problems this August.
62. "Anyway" Martina McBride, realizing that what I do is important and that even if I get smashed down I should do what I love doing, writing and teaching. Great line "God is great, but sometimes life ain't good, and when I pray it doesn't always come out like I think it should, but I do it anyway."
63. "Say" John Mayer. Say what you need to say.
So far...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
School
Sigh...the first day of school. A day that usually has some small whiff of autumn and pencil shavings associated with it. I always double check that I remembered to put on deoderant, and wonder again at the amazing surrealness that I am now teaching school. Ever since I was three I wanted to be a teacher. I only deviated once--mom freaked out, but I think it is necessary to deliberately make the decision to do something instead of leaving to life's defaults. I am in awe of the courage of my students. Suddenly they are real people instead of names on a list. A mentor of mine always warned that I was too involved, too invested in teaching and my students. He admired this but warned of burn out in five years.
Well, here I am in year six. Of course all non-essential organs have been removed, except the obvious appendix-- and I am currently fighting a wicked battle with my kidneys.
I have a blog for my students. It is an attempt to create more a community and a willingness to trust each other with our writing. On the first day there are just some people that I see and I just know that they are going to be a joy to be around--to learn with. Others I wonder about and I usually am wrong in my guesses, but those few. Well I just know. One of them left an obligatory comment on the welcome message and of course I was able to discover that she just started a blog but has had a webpage forever it looks like. Well, she blogged about class. This girl is a natural born writer. You can be taught but this lady has natural born elegance in her words. She wrote about me, I was half afraid--but it was good and for once I didn't think about my kidneys and my weird office situation and about paychecks getting to the right place. I can't imagine doing anything else and the gracious Lord has allowed me to have miracles in my life to make it possible. I love my job. Even when I am not happy with it, I love it.
Just had to say that. I think I might do some of my pages on here, then you will all see how truly odd I am. But you will know me better. love to all. viva la kidney.
Well, here I am in year six. Of course all non-essential organs have been removed, except the obvious appendix-- and I am currently fighting a wicked battle with my kidneys.
I have a blog for my students. It is an attempt to create more a community and a willingness to trust each other with our writing. On the first day there are just some people that I see and I just know that they are going to be a joy to be around--to learn with. Others I wonder about and I usually am wrong in my guesses, but those few. Well I just know. One of them left an obligatory comment on the welcome message and of course I was able to discover that she just started a blog but has had a webpage forever it looks like. Well, she blogged about class. This girl is a natural born writer. You can be taught but this lady has natural born elegance in her words. She wrote about me, I was half afraid--but it was good and for once I didn't think about my kidneys and my weird office situation and about paychecks getting to the right place. I can't imagine doing anything else and the gracious Lord has allowed me to have miracles in my life to make it possible. I love my job. Even when I am not happy with it, I love it.
Just had to say that. I think I might do some of my pages on here, then you will all see how truly odd I am. But you will know me better. love to all. viva la kidney.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I Got the JOB!
Well last Thursday I was awakened by a call from UVU's English Department Chair. I have been hired full time as a lecturer. I have benefits and retirement and I will have an office. I didn't make it to the retreat because I am still in a lot of pain, but I think school will be just fine. I am on salary! woo hoo no more September money troubles. As School is starting and I am a teacher and such I thought I would share this poem I got sent. It is slightly bitter, but it was written by a teacher after all. :) But I like it.
What Teachers Make
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided
his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach"
To emphasize his point he said to another guest;
"You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
"You want to know what I make?”
(She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their
parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod,
Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?"
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write.
Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
They use their God-given brain,
not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries
learn everything they need to know in English
while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."
Bonnie paused one last time and then continued........
"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make,
with me knowing money isn't everything,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention
because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?"
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
Rock on all my teacher friends. We are involved in an altruistic and noble profession. Don't let others get you down. Good luck this year. Especially you new teachers. You can make it!
What Teachers Make
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided
his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach"
To emphasize his point he said to another guest;
"You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
"You want to know what I make?”
(She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their
parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod,
Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?"
(She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write.
Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
They use their God-given brain,
not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries
learn everything they need to know in English
while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given,
work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."
Bonnie paused one last time and then continued........
"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make,
with me knowing money isn't everything,
I can hold my head up high and pay no attention
because they are ignorant...
You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?"
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
Rock on all my teacher friends. We are involved in an altruistic and noble profession. Don't let others get you down. Good luck this year. Especially you new teachers. You can make it!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Healing and Adversity
Well, I think that this summer has been carefully manufactured for some intense tutoring from the Lord. It seems that it is my turn to go through deep mental and physical anguish in a refining process. I have been very sick lately. What was thought to be a kidney stone--still could be a kidney stone, but it was also a severe infection, inflammation of the liver and kidneys, and severe dehydration. After many painful tests my doctors are still not sure what it is that is causing me such intense pain.
So, in an effort to see the bright side--my mom is Pollyanna after all--I realize that this hit at a time when I could really have time to be sick. The semester starts in another week and so I still have time to heal and get better. I was able to be at home with my parents who suddenly had a lot of time on their hands. I have been able to watch every Jane Austen movie ever made. My brother ,who does not usually hug much, has had to carry me up to my room--great contact there. :) He has been able to make me laugh when I have been miserable and done strange and wonderful things to my computer so I could watch some great movies. I have been able to see that when I am gone my friends and ward miss me. I have had great text messages and emails from friends and family showing great support. I got to spend time in my yellow room. I can't eat much but I can eat banana pudding and that is great. My mom and dad have both read aloud to me--something they haven't done since I was ten or eleven. We have gotten to use employee discounts at the hospital. I have listened to two Harry Potter books on CD. I have been in my pajamas for over two weeks. I am really well hydrated. I am saving gas and food money right now. I can see my niece and nephews whenever I want.
All of these are great things, right? Right! So there.
"The divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless." President James E. Faust
So, in an effort to see the bright side--my mom is Pollyanna after all--I realize that this hit at a time when I could really have time to be sick. The semester starts in another week and so I still have time to heal and get better. I was able to be at home with my parents who suddenly had a lot of time on their hands. I have been able to watch every Jane Austen movie ever made. My brother ,who does not usually hug much, has had to carry me up to my room--great contact there. :) He has been able to make me laugh when I have been miserable and done strange and wonderful things to my computer so I could watch some great movies. I have been able to see that when I am gone my friends and ward miss me. I have had great text messages and emails from friends and family showing great support. I got to spend time in my yellow room. I can't eat much but I can eat banana pudding and that is great. My mom and dad have both read aloud to me--something they haven't done since I was ten or eleven. We have gotten to use employee discounts at the hospital. I have listened to two Harry Potter books on CD. I have been in my pajamas for over two weeks. I am really well hydrated. I am saving gas and food money right now. I can see my niece and nephews whenever I want.
All of these are great things, right? Right! So there.
"The divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless." President James E. Faust
Friday, August 1, 2008
Fairy Tales: The Visit Home
I went home for the 24th of July and was able to spend a lot of time with my family. I was especially able to be with my neice and nephews. They are so amazing. Rylie, my neice, is very much into playing fairy tales. I can't imagine where she gets it. But we were able to have a very intense conversation about waiting for our princes. She had decided to play princesses and Nannie, my mom, was supposed to be the prince and there was another prince for me who we couldn't find. Sigh... Rylie as Cinderella ready to be married to her Prince--Nannie. 
Mason in the pink dress with pink strawberry ice cream all over his face. He was so excited.
And here is our little Brackey Boy, The Bean is growing up so fast! He has lovely eyes, and such kissable cheeks.
And then of course Rylie refused to let me not play, so here I am as the recalcitrant bride. :)
We talked about having to wait for our princes because sometimes they are not ready to marry girls. They have to get ready and sometimes it takes a long time. But then they come and they marry us. I got the tale end of our talk on this video. Notice the "princess" in the background. Mason always wants to put on the pink dress when we dress up, even though he has a prince and beast costume to wear.Note: To watch this video you will need to stop the music that is playing by clicking the pause button on the playlist the bottom of my blog.
Then later Nannie and the kids decided to play three little pigs. My brother Aaron was the wolf. Poor Bracken didn't know what to do about the noise. It was so funny!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The Divine Center
Lately I have been working on finding more balance in my life. I find that right now I am always at the far poles of experience. That is a chaotic place to be at times. So I have been searching for ways to move to the center, to find balance. Of course, I realized very soon that centeredness comes in time by being close to the Savior. So I wanted to share this amazing quote for all of us in need of solace:
"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes, to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came. . . to right all the terrible wrongs of this life, to fix the unfixable, to repair the irreparable. He came to heal us by his tender touch, to still the storms of our startled hearts. Again, he came to replace ashes with beauty. . . Each of us needs to know--needs a conviction, deep down in our souls--that our Master is not an absentee Landlord, not a distant Deity. He is 'touched with the feeling of our infirmities' (Hebrews 4:15), knows from firsthand experience all about our pains, our afflictions, our temptations (Alma 7:11-12), and thereby understands 'the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted' (D&C 62:1). He has not, as the deists proposed centuries ago, wound up the world clock and left it to run on its own. Rather, he is intimately involved in saving and succoring--literally, running to help--those who call upon him and learn to trust in his mighty arm. Indeed, our God's infinity does not preclude either his immediacy or his intimacy. As Enoch the seer learned, when we need God, when we reach out to him, he is there, his bosom is there; he is just and merciful and kind forever (Moses 7:30)" Marvin H. Ashton.
"Jesus Christ came to bring beauty for ashes, to replace distress with comfort, worry with peace, turmoil with rest. The Good Shepherd came. . . to right all the terrible wrongs of this life, to fix the unfixable, to repair the irreparable. He came to heal us by his tender touch, to still the storms of our startled hearts. Again, he came to replace ashes with beauty. . . Each of us needs to know--needs a conviction, deep down in our souls--that our Master is not an absentee Landlord, not a distant Deity. He is 'touched with the feeling of our infirmities' (Hebrews 4:15), knows from firsthand experience all about our pains, our afflictions, our temptations (Alma 7:11-12), and thereby understands 'the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted' (D&C 62:1). He has not, as the deists proposed centuries ago, wound up the world clock and left it to run on its own. Rather, he is intimately involved in saving and succoring--literally, running to help--those who call upon him and learn to trust in his mighty arm. Indeed, our God's infinity does not preclude either his immediacy or his intimacy. As Enoch the seer learned, when we need God, when we reach out to him, he is there, his bosom is there; he is just and merciful and kind forever (Moses 7:30)" Marvin H. Ashton.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Running by the Wagon
One of the biggest blessings in my life recently has been the week that I was able to spend at my home in Logan with my parents. While I was there I was able to feel surrounded and loved and protected by those who know me best. It is amazing what unknown scars can be healed with that kind of love 24/7. One of the tender mercies in my life was that I was able to help my parents prepare for trek. This included helping my mom write a reader's theater about the young men and women who experienced this test of faith, endurance, and physical stamina. As I was dealing with my own Rocky Ridge at the time I was deeply drawn to the stories of these boys and girls, some younger than I, some my same age--though technically I would have been registered as a Spinster at the age of 28 (that is neither here nor there right now).
One of the most engrossing stories was that of young Elizabeth Caldwell of the Willie Handcart company. In her journal she recorded the beauties, depradations, sorrows, and joys of her journey to Zion. In late October the Willie company truly grasped the full horror of their situation. They were running out of food, the snows had come, people were dying every day. Some fell by the wayside, too overcome with exhausting of body and spirit to keep going. Others kept walking--stoically hoping for relief. And then it came. Elizabeth records this striking story in her journal:
Just before we crossed the mountains, relief wagons reached us, and it certainly was a relief. The infirm and aged were allowed to ride, all able-bodied continuing to walk. When the wagons started out, a number of the children decided to see how long they could keep up with the wagons, in hopes of being asked to ride. At least that is what their great hope was. One by one they all fell out, until my sister Agnes was the last one remaining, so determined was she that she should get a ride. After what seemed the longest run she ever made before or since, the driver, who was Heber [William Henry] Kimball, called, "Say, sissy, would you like a ride?" She answered in her very best manner, "Yes sir." At this he reached over, taking her hand, clucking to his horses to make her run, with legs that seemed to her could run no farther. What went through our heads at that time was that he was the meanest man that ever lived or that I had ever heard of, and other things that would not be a credit nor would it look well coming from one so young. Just at what seemed the breaking point, he stopped. Taking a blanket, he wrapped her up and lay her in the bottom of the wagon, warm and comfortable. Here she had time to change her mind, knowing full well that by doing this he saved her from freezing when taken into the wagon.
I did not fair so well. Because of the continuous walking, and the bitter cold and snow, one of my feet developed frostbite so badly that I had to have two toes amputated upon our arrival in Salt Lake. I still had much to be thankful for. There were so many who lost their lives on that perilous journey. The most disastrous day was encountered in crossing the Rocky Ridge, where fifteen died of exposure and were placed in a shallow grave.
Suddenly my own trek to my promised land came into better focus. I am running by the wagon. I know where I want to be--I can see it--I am almost there. But I have to keep running. The Lord as the all knowling driver of the team knows when I am ready to come in the wagon. The running is making me stronger and more able to bare what is to come next. I don't want to freeze to death, nor fall by the wayside in despair. What may seem like pointless running is really what is saving me--it is my salvation. I thank my Lord for His all knowing love for keeping me from freezing--even though I have been through so much and want so badly to be in the wagon.
When the early saints were faced with unthinkable horrors the Lord raised an army--Zion's Camp. They thought they were going to save their fellow saints and take back what was theirs. They felt justified and divinely guided. And yet the purpose for Zion's Camp was very different from the Lord's perspective. When He disbanded His army He gave these reasons for what seemed to be a pointless excercise in futility:
"It is expedient in me that mine elders should wait for a little season for the redemption of Zion--That they themselves may be prepared, and that my people may be taught more perfectly, and have experience, and know more perfectly concerning their duty, and the things which I require at their hands . . . . For behold, I have prepared a great endowment and blessing to be poured out upon them, inasmuch as they are faithful and continue in humility before me . . . For behold, I do not require at their hands to fight the battles of Zion; for as I said in former commandment, even so will I fulfill--I WILL FIGHT YOUR BATTLES." (Doctrine and Covenants 105:9-10, 12, 14, emphasis added)
Through whatever pointless excercise of futility you are going--remember that the Lord is fighting our battles--we may not recognize it though. We may just feel like we are being made to run beside the wagon by a mean driver. He is not mean. He knows us. He can handle our anger because He knows what we are to become.
I close with some thoughts from President Uchtdorf from this month's Ensign:
"There may be times when we feel overwhelmed, hurt, or on the edge of discouragement as we are trying so hard to be perfect members of the church. Be assured, there is balm in Gilead. Let us listen to the prophets of our day as the help us to focus on the things that are central to the creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children. The Lord knows us, He loves us, He wants us to succeed, and He encourages us by saying: "And see that all . . . things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not required that [men or women] should run faster than they have strength . . [But] it is expedient that [they] should be diligent."
We can do this.
One of the most engrossing stories was that of young Elizabeth Caldwell of the Willie Handcart company. In her journal she recorded the beauties, depradations, sorrows, and joys of her journey to Zion. In late October the Willie company truly grasped the full horror of their situation. They were running out of food, the snows had come, people were dying every day. Some fell by the wayside, too overcome with exhausting of body and spirit to keep going. Others kept walking--stoically hoping for relief. And then it came. Elizabeth records this striking story in her journal:
Just before we crossed the mountains, relief wagons reached us, and it certainly was a relief. The infirm and aged were allowed to ride, all able-bodied continuing to walk. When the wagons started out, a number of the children decided to see how long they could keep up with the wagons, in hopes of being asked to ride. At least that is what their great hope was. One by one they all fell out, until my sister Agnes was the last one remaining, so determined was she that she should get a ride. After what seemed the longest run she ever made before or since, the driver, who was Heber [William Henry] Kimball, called, "Say, sissy, would you like a ride?" She answered in her very best manner, "Yes sir." At this he reached over, taking her hand, clucking to his horses to make her run, with legs that seemed to her could run no farther. What went through our heads at that time was that he was the meanest man that ever lived or that I had ever heard of, and other things that would not be a credit nor would it look well coming from one so young. Just at what seemed the breaking point, he stopped. Taking a blanket, he wrapped her up and lay her in the bottom of the wagon, warm and comfortable. Here she had time to change her mind, knowing full well that by doing this he saved her from freezing when taken into the wagon.
I did not fair so well. Because of the continuous walking, and the bitter cold and snow, one of my feet developed frostbite so badly that I had to have two toes amputated upon our arrival in Salt Lake. I still had much to be thankful for. There were so many who lost their lives on that perilous journey. The most disastrous day was encountered in crossing the Rocky Ridge, where fifteen died of exposure and were placed in a shallow grave.
Suddenly my own trek to my promised land came into better focus. I am running by the wagon. I know where I want to be--I can see it--I am almost there. But I have to keep running. The Lord as the all knowling driver of the team knows when I am ready to come in the wagon. The running is making me stronger and more able to bare what is to come next. I don't want to freeze to death, nor fall by the wayside in despair. What may seem like pointless running is really what is saving me--it is my salvation. I thank my Lord for His all knowing love for keeping me from freezing--even though I have been through so much and want so badly to be in the wagon.
When the early saints were faced with unthinkable horrors the Lord raised an army--Zion's Camp. They thought they were going to save their fellow saints and take back what was theirs. They felt justified and divinely guided. And yet the purpose for Zion's Camp was very different from the Lord's perspective. When He disbanded His army He gave these reasons for what seemed to be a pointless excercise in futility:
"It is expedient in me that mine elders should wait for a little season for the redemption of Zion--That they themselves may be prepared, and that my people may be taught more perfectly, and have experience, and know more perfectly concerning their duty, and the things which I require at their hands . . . . For behold, I have prepared a great endowment and blessing to be poured out upon them, inasmuch as they are faithful and continue in humility before me . . . For behold, I do not require at their hands to fight the battles of Zion; for as I said in former commandment, even so will I fulfill--I WILL FIGHT YOUR BATTLES." (Doctrine and Covenants 105:9-10, 12, 14, emphasis added)
Through whatever pointless excercise of futility you are going--remember that the Lord is fighting our battles--we may not recognize it though. We may just feel like we are being made to run beside the wagon by a mean driver. He is not mean. He knows us. He can handle our anger because He knows what we are to become.
I close with some thoughts from President Uchtdorf from this month's Ensign:
"There may be times when we feel overwhelmed, hurt, or on the edge of discouragement as we are trying so hard to be perfect members of the church. Be assured, there is balm in Gilead. Let us listen to the prophets of our day as the help us to focus on the things that are central to the creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children. The Lord knows us, He loves us, He wants us to succeed, and He encourages us by saying: "And see that all . . . things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not required that [men or women] should run faster than they have strength . . [But] it is expedient that [they] should be diligent."
We can do this.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
This Too Shall Pass
Long ago and Eastern monarch, plagued by many worries, harassed on every side, called his wise men together. He asked them to invent a motto, a few magic words that would help him in time of trial or distress. It must be brief enough to be engraved on a ring, he said, so that he could have it always before his eyes. It must be appropriate to every situation, as useful in prosperity as in adversity. It must be a motto wise and true and endlessly enduring, words by which a man could be guided all his life, in every circumstance, no matter what happened. The wise men thought and though, and finally came to the monarch with their magic words. They were words for every change or chance of fortune, declared the wise men . . . words to ease the heart and mind in every circumstance. And the words they gave the monarch to engrave on his ring were:
This, too, shall pass away.
I came upon this legend in my search for courageous words. This will probably become the blog of wild hope and courage now. But I was drawn to this little story because so many of life's situations need these words. John Burroughs, an American naturalist and essayist, stated eloquently that "We cannot walk through life on mountain peaks." It is good to maintain perspective when things happen. Change is the constant. One of my favorite philosophers of Ancient Rome, Marcus Aurelius commented on this idea also:
"Think often of how swiftly things pass away and are no more--the works of Nature and the works of man. The substance of the Universe, matter, is like unto a river that flows on forever. All things are not only in a constant state of change, but they are the cause of constant and infinite change in other things. Upon a narrow ledge though standest! Behind thee, the bottomless abyss of the Past! In front of thee, the Future that will swallow up all things that are now. Over what things, then, in this present life wilt thou, O foolish man, be disquieted or exalted--making thyself wretched; seeking that they can vex thee only for a time--a brief, brief time!"
George Harrison of The Beatles also wrote a beautiful song that has been in my mind lately. The verse that keeps going around in my head is:
"Now the darkness only stays the night-time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
It's not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away"
Grace Noll Crowell, an Amercan poet, was so struck by the legend of the wealthy monarch that she wrote a poem about the magic of the simple idea that things will pass and we can pick up and move forward.
This, too, will pass. O heart, say it over and over,
Out of your deepest sorrow, out of your deepest grief,
No hurt can last forever--perhaps tomorrow
Will bring relief.
This, too, will pass. It will spend itself--its fury
Will die as the wind dies down with the setting sun;
Assuaged and calm, you will again, forgetting
A thing that is done.
Repeat it again and again, O heart, for your comfort;
This, too, will pass as surely as passed before
The old forgotten pain, and the other sorrows
That once you bore.
As certain as stars at night, or dawn after darkness,
Inherent as the lift of the blowing grass,
Whatever your despair or your frustration--
This, too, will pass.
Let us all remember in our hurt and in our discomfort that This, too, will pass.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Courage
I have been thinking a lot about courage lately. I guess we really don't know what we are made of until all that we hold dear and sacred is challenged, or the world that we are so used to living in is completely turned upside down. I just read an amazing historical novel by Madeleine L'engle The Other Side of the Sun that talks a lot about the ideas of courage and being strong and brave in the face of overwhelming uncertainty and danger. The story surrounds a poem written by one of the characters. The last line says: "Only on Love's terrible other side does the lion and lamb abide." The idea is that you have to go through terrible heat and anguish sometimes before we can come to peace and realize that Love is the reason we are here. I know a lot of us are dealing with some big scary things--grief, anger, fear, sorrow, uncertainty. Yet I know that we can come through and be purified and renewed to a place where peace and joy abide. I know this in a way that I never thought that I would. Instead of being crushed and burned, I feel like I am stronger, more me, and closer to my creator. Guess what? The Lord won't let us shake apart. He will hold us together no matter what. Here are some quotes for further pondering--
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~Dorothy Thompson
Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. ~Dorothy Thompson
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
It is possible.
L
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live. ~Dorothy Thompson
Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. ~Dorothy Thompson
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
It is possible.
L
Monday, June 16, 2008
Hope is a thing with Feathers
It is my year anniversary of blogging. Which means that one year ago I was sitting in the kitchen of Butter knife Estates, a House of Heroes and Thad was pestering me to start blogging. So I did. Good to give into peer pressure sometimes.
One year later I am sitting on the marble floor of the Daytona Beach Hilton, having already read a total of 750 AP English Language tests, watching the rain hit the ocean and watching brown Pelicans fly in the sky. And though I have a shed a tear or two for the future of America in the hands of these callow youths who can't write "worth beans" as a new southern friend said today---I am feeling strangely hopeful. (notice how incredibly long this sentence is)
As I watch the pelicans fly, I think of a poem by Emily Dickinson, herein enclosed:
Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
These lovely birds so clumsy on land, ridiculous even, suddenly take off and become the most beautiful sight I have ever seen, arcing across the sky in pairs or groups, their nobility tangible to even such as I. That is what hope looks like to me: a brown pelican, noble, graceful, lovely, strong, awkward at times but indomitable.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Entering Orbit
I have been thinking lately about transitions. I was talking with a really good friend about how transitional periods are so rough--you feel like you are in limbo and aren't sure what to do or what plans to make. Then as we kept talking I realized that life is one great big transitional period between pre-earth life and post-earth life. Like President Packer says we are in Act 2. And yet I also realized that the very fact that we feel so battered and unstable in transitional periods is because we are usually in the initial stages of entering a new sphere or orbit in our lives.
I have always been fascinated with space travel and have a very small hobby pretending to understand astro-physics and mechanics. As an astronaut will tell you, entering orbit is not a pleasant experience. There is a lot of friction, pressure, heat, and shaking going on before they enter their next sphere: earth. As we feel pressure, and heat, and friction and a whole lot of shaking, would it not make sense that those very actions are preparing us and changing us so that we can function in the next sphere? If we are going in the right direction it would seem that we would feel some resistance from adversarial forces that don't want us to keep progressing. My very naive understanding of Newton's Third Law is that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. We are in motion and we are going in the right direction, but there is always something that will resist. So maybe instead of freaking out we should accept that we are going to have a bumpy ride and find comfort in the fact that we must be doing something right. :) Here are some other thoughts that build on these mind meanderings of mine:
"You were taught and prepared for the circumstances you would personally encounter in mortality. . . .Your memory of premortal life would be kept from you to show you how to live. Our Father's plan for salvation in this life with the opportunity of returning to Him would be called the gospel of Jesus Christ." (Elder Scott "Truth Restored" Ensign Nov. 2005)
"In the premortal council at which we were all present, [Jesus Christ] accepted our Father's great plan of happiness for His children and was chosen by the Father to give effect to that plan. He led the forces of good against those of Satan and his followers in a battle for the souls of men that began before this world was formed. That conflict continues today. We were all on the side of Jesus then. We are on the side of Jesus today." (emphasis added, Elder Wirthlin "Christians in Belief and Action," Ensign, Nov. 1996, 71)
"If we look at mortality as the whole existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective." (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 15).
I have always been fascinated with space travel and have a very small hobby pretending to understand astro-physics and mechanics. As an astronaut will tell you, entering orbit is not a pleasant experience. There is a lot of friction, pressure, heat, and shaking going on before they enter their next sphere: earth. As we feel pressure, and heat, and friction and a whole lot of shaking, would it not make sense that those very actions are preparing us and changing us so that we can function in the next sphere? If we are going in the right direction it would seem that we would feel some resistance from adversarial forces that don't want us to keep progressing. My very naive understanding of Newton's Third Law is that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. We are in motion and we are going in the right direction, but there is always something that will resist. So maybe instead of freaking out we should accept that we are going to have a bumpy ride and find comfort in the fact that we must be doing something right. :) Here are some other thoughts that build on these mind meanderings of mine:
"You were taught and prepared for the circumstances you would personally encounter in mortality. . . .Your memory of premortal life would be kept from you to show you how to live. Our Father's plan for salvation in this life with the opportunity of returning to Him would be called the gospel of Jesus Christ." (Elder Scott "Truth Restored" Ensign Nov. 2005)
"In the premortal council at which we were all present, [Jesus Christ] accepted our Father's great plan of happiness for His children and was chosen by the Father to give effect to that plan. He led the forces of good against those of Satan and his followers in a battle for the souls of men that began before this world was formed. That conflict continues today. We were all on the side of Jesus then. We are on the side of Jesus today." (emphasis added, Elder Wirthlin "Christians in Belief and Action," Ensign, Nov. 1996, 71)
"If we look at mortality as the whole existence, then pain, sorrow, failure, and short life would be calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into premortal past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective." (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 15).
Monday, May 26, 2008
Memorial Day: Wonderful Ancestors
I have been sick lately and was unable to go home to celebrate Memorial Day. So I have been thinking about my ancestors, especially those who were involved in the early Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. These are those I must thank for the foundation of solid stone that allows me to be who I am. In memoriam of these brave men and women I wanted to post some information on my beloved ancestors. These are the pictures that I have been able to get a hold of and some excerpts from their journals.
George Washington Taggart
In Honorable Remembrance . . .
As an officer in the United States Army of the West in 1846-47, George Washington Taggart was a participant in the longest infantry march in history. At the beginning of his service our ancestor reflected on the momentous responsibility he had willingly taken up in a letter to his wife:
"I feel Fanny, as though I had made as great a sacrifice as I could well make, in that I have forsaken for the time being my possessions, my family and at the risk of life start for Mexico as a United States soldier with 500 of my brethren in order to show that the blood of my grandfathers who fought and bled in the Revolutionary War and the spirit of liberty and freedom still courses in the veins of some of their posterity that are called Mormons"
After a year-and-a-half of hardship, his duty done, GWT struggled home through winter snows to a joyous reunion with his wife and daughter. About GWT and his soldier compatriots has been said:
"The Mormon Battalion will be held in honorable remembrance to the latest generation; and I will prophesy that the children of those who have been in the army, in defense of their country, will grow up and bless their fathers for what they did at that time. And men and nations will rise up and bless the men who went in that Battalion." -Brigham Young
And here is his first hand account of Joseph Smith written at the same age that I am:
“He is a young looking man of his age, which is near thirty eight years [George was nearly twenty seven], and one of the finest looking men there is in the country. And he does not pretend to be a man without failings and follies. He is a man that you could not help liking as a man, setting aside the religious prejudice which the world has raised against him. He is one of the warmest patriots and friends to his country and laws that you ever heard speak on the subject. Neither is he puffed up with his greatness, as many suppose, but on the contrary is familiar with any decent man and is ready to talk upon any subject that any one wishes. And I assure you, it would make you wonder to hear him talk and see the information which comes out of his mouth and it is not in big words either but that which any one can understand.
"[C]oncerning public reports and stories that are abroad in the world concerning Joseph Smith and the Mormons, so called, as a people they are as false [as] the Devil or those that make such stories. I say this as a fact, knowing it to be so. Therefore, if you ever believed me to be one of truth, [I] am still the same.” Taggart Family Newsletter (Vol.IV, No.1, December 1983) 4-6. GWT Biography
Fanny Parks Taggart
She married George Washington Taggart July 12, 1845 at Nauvoo. She mothered George's little Eliza Ann During his absence of almost two years while he was helping to prepare for the trek of the Saints westward and serving in the Mormon Battalion. After his return she gave birth to their three children - Harriet Marie, George Henry and Charles Wallace. In 1852 she mothered their four small children in the company of her husband across the plains and mountains to the Salt Lake Valley.
Fanny ends her autobiography with an eye-witness testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith: "I often think of the many happy hours I have spent listening to the words of life that flowed from the lips of the Prophet. No one could help but like him for he was kind and good. I have heard him reprove men for their wrong doings and talk pretty sharp but it was always in such a good spirit that it appeared to me that no one could be offended. I have heard him talk a great many times and can bear testimony that I always felt benefited and I know he was a prophet of God and that the Lord called him in his own due time to lay the foundations of his latter day work." (Taggartfamily.org).
Elijah Allen was also a member of the Mormon Battalion and I love his memory dearly.
Elijah Allen, the eldest son of Andrew Lee Allen and Clarinda Knapp Allen, was born in the town of Burton, Cattaraugus Co., New York, February 7, 1826. The family became converts to the Latter-day Saint faith and moved from place to place with the Saints.
While Elijah was still in his teens he went out to find work. Failing to find employment he returned to Nauvoo, Illinois, where the family was then residing, and called on Brigham Young to ask for counsel. President Young told him to stop with him and go to work, which he did. He remained with President Young until the Church moved West, and then drove one of the teams to Winter Quarters. While at Winter Quarters, the government made a call for five hundred men and when President Young asked him if he would go with the Battalion, he said "Yes." President Young gave him a blessing and told him he would make the journey in safety and return again to his parents in good health.
Elijah marched as a Private in Company "B" to California. While enroute, he became seriously ill. One evening, as the company sat around the campfire deciding what to do next, Elijah heard the Captain of Company "B" make the remark that they were due at a certain place at a certain time and that Mr. Allen's sickness was the only thing that was holding them back. So, they decided to put him in the back of a wagon and travel with him anyway. Their plans were to start before daylight. During the night, as he did not feel well enough to make the trip and was afraid that the party would be compelled to stop on his account, he crawled out of the wagon and off into the sagebrush to die. As he lay there suffering he heard the wagons pulling out. The words of Brigham Young's blessing to him came to his mind, and he thought to himself, this is one time Brigham Young's prophecies would not be fulfilled. When all the wagons were out of sight, he crawled back to the campfire where he fell asleep. There he had a dream that the things that Brigham Young told him would come to pass.
As the hours went by, the doctor of the company decided that he had better look back into the wagon to see how the sick man was coming along. When he found Elijah missing, he was provoked: "That is just like that independent boy," but he ordered some of the men to turn back to find him. They found him lying asleep by the campfire. After scolding him severely, they placed him in the wagon and started on the return journey. By nightfall, he was feeling better and gradually regained his strength as the days went by. After reaching California, he was discharged along with other members of his camp on July 16, 1847.
Again he was taken ill, and after his recovery, he obtained employment at the San Gabriel Mission, where he worked until 1848. In February of that year, together with several other men, he started for the Great Salt Lake Valley with about 200 head of cattle that had been purchased for the church. After a difficult journey, he arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in the latter part of May, 1848. He traded a sack of gold dust, which he had brought with him from California, for twenty acres in the heart of Salt Lake City. Later he traded that property for a larger piece of ground near Fort Douglas where he commenced farming.
Elijah married Eliza Ann Bickmore, sister of the man who had been his constant companion in the Mormon Battalion, May 2, 1852. They lived at Provo, where he was an active member of the Twenty-first Quorum of Seventies, then moved to Fort Herriman where he farmed for a living. He died there April 12, 1866 at the age of forty, leaving his wife with seven small children to rear.—Lenna Parkinson Allen and Susie Allen. Treasures of Pioneer History: Vol 4Stories of the Mormon Battalion Elijah Allen
I of course have several more ancestors that I could write about, but these are the ones that have been on my mind today. From them I have received great strength. Also from them I have gained my grandpa Blaine Stratford Taggart and my grandmother Susanna Allen Taggart. They are two of my best and dearest friends.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Complete Parable of Sulfur Creek
I have been applying to high school English teacher positions. I would just like something more stable where I can save money and not live from pay check to paycheck. I feel that is a righteous desire. So I have been looking into alternative licensure through the State and applying to schools. I got an interview with Lone Peak, a great school with a great program. They told me they would let me know the Wednesday following if I got the job or not.
Wednesday comes and goes and I leave for a family trip to Capital Reef National Park. This is a beautiful little valley of green orchards and quaint old pioneer homesteads and a great campground. It is my favorite place in the world so far. We went with my brother’s In-Laws who are basically family to me. It was so great to be away and with people who really love me, but in the back of my brain I was constantly wondering about the job. On Saturday we all went on the Capital Gorge hike. It is in the washed out river bottom, the only sign of the way this amazing place was formed. There is a pioneer registry with names from as far back at 1859 on the same wall as ancient pictographs. It is a surreal place. Slot canyons feed into this wash and the hiking is a leisurely or strenuous as you want it to be. The kids had fun climbing up in the little wind caves on the walls. It was a good warm up for the hike that I have been waiting to go on my whole life.
Staring down the cliff where this waterfall began, my thoughts continued to roil and foam like the water falling to the pool ten feet below. Everything felt like a dead end--and though I have been doing a find job of maintaining optimism--it was discouraging. Suddenly I thought of The Sound of Music because that is how my mind works. "When God closes a door, he always opens a window." I turned to look back at my brother and dad. They were standing on the other side of the creek--grinning like fools--and suddenly I saw it. On the other side there was an outcropping to the side of the water, making a nice little path. We all moved to this ledge and saw that by doing some hotfooting down the canyon walls we could get down--without even getting wet. Aaron went down, then Brady and Kristi, and then it was my turn. Brady and Aaron stood at the bottom letting me find my footing, helping if I needed it, and acting as a human net if I fell. But I didn't fall--I made it. As soon as we were all down we had to bend double to get out from under the walls of the slot canyon.
Aaron started talking about how what we were doing was tame in comparison with what they had been through before. The old legends of Sulfur Creek were told as we continued weaving along the creek, in the creek, and around the creek. I began to relax. This was much more fun than brooding. I had made up my mind that if I didn't get the job that there was somewhere better for me. I knew from past experiences that the Lord would guide me, even when I felt like there was no where to go. And as always, He would bring others into my life to help me in case I fell, or to keep me from falling in the first place. I began to feel extremely blessed. And then the water started talking again.
We had to go through the slot canyon again, and the water was really fast. We soon realized that we were looking over an ancient bowl cut into the sandstone that showed evidence of being filled with a lot of water--a lake of water. This was the famous waterfall and lake from all of the stories. But this time the lake was a deep green pool surrounded by the flotsam and jetsam of previous rainfalls. The drop was around twelve feet in some places. Joe went down first, much to Joy's chagrin. There were several place we could try to get down, all of them involved sheer drops off of smooth sandstone walls. Being wet, I had slipped down the channel cut by the waterfall and Aaron and Brady kept me from going over, but I was more wet than before. This made everything slippery. Kristi seemed concerned, but I figured that if we had made it this far, we would be fine now. The problem was we didn't know how deep the water was. In the past Aaron had to swim to get to the other side. Now we weren't sure. But Joe was already down and in an act of sheer stupid curiosity he started into the pool. He soon discovered that one side was much deeper than the other--we could come down on the shallow side and be fine. But how would we get down?
I find no shame in coming down anything on my backside. I had already slipped so I stayed sitting while the others came up with ways to get down. Aaron had rope--and while they were debating I suddenly began to slip again. Brady and Aaron were down already and reached up to catch me. They caught my arms and in a kind of controlled fall, I figured out the easiest way down. "I'm coming down" I laughed as we all reacted as we needed to--and I was down, standing in four inches of water. We all laughed and the other girls came down. In my head I snarkishly thought, "Boy am I glad for the priesthood". And then I realized how true it was.
My life is a controlled fall right now. I know where I need to go, I know how to begin, but I don't know exactly how to get there in the interim. I am surrounded by guides, and companions, and people to make me laugh. I will fall, I have fallen, and I believe that I will yet fall--I have accepted it. Just when I start to wonder about things I am taken to a lovely waterfall, or a huge cottonwood tree, or a shining path of water. All of these lovely things--like the kiva we found that was hiding at the end of the trail--are things that I don't want to miss, and I would miss them if the path didn't wind a bit. By the end of the hike I felt great about life, about the job, about the food waiting for us, and that other than some huge blisters from the sand, I was physically fine. Those blisters are just reminders that my footsteps are known. It will all be okay.
I will be okay.
" 'Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham? Because, knowing what his future would be and that he would be the father of an innumerable posterity, he was determined to test him. God did not do this for His own sake for He knew by His foreknowledge what Abraham would do; but th purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other way. That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge, for He knows all things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But he tries us for our own good that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should know himself' " (Prophets, Priests, and Kings p. 43).
Wednesday comes and goes and I leave for a family trip to Capital Reef National Park. This is a beautiful little valley of green orchards and quaint old pioneer homesteads and a great campground. It is my favorite place in the world so far. We went with my brother’s In-Laws who are basically family to me. It was so great to be away and with people who really love me, but in the back of my brain I was constantly wondering about the job. On Saturday we all went on the Capital Gorge hike. It is in the washed out river bottom, the only sign of the way this amazing place was formed. There is a pioneer registry with names from as far back at 1859 on the same wall as ancient pictographs. It is a surreal place. Slot canyons feed into this wash and the hiking is a leisurely or strenuous as you want it to be. The kids had fun climbing up in the little wind caves on the walls. It was a good warm up for the hike that I have been waiting to go on my whole life.
The Sulfur Creek hike is not on many of the maps and is basically a journey through switchbacks following the course of Sulfur Creek. As the crow flies it is only about 1.4 miles—but it takes anywhere from three to five hours to do. When my mom told me about the trip in January I immediately began preparing. For years my brother and dad had taken various members of our family on this hike. I have never been healthy enough or strong enough to go. So suddenly I was determined to be able to do this hike. I began training so that the length and physicality of the hike would not be a deterrent. I have been walking 3-5 miles most days and doing some minor hill training. Because I have never been on the hike I didn’t know what to expect—except for the tales of mythic proportion that come out of that canyon.
When we got home from the Capital Gorge hike we made lunch and people took naps. I began to get antsy; I was worried about the job and worried that the hike wouldn’t actually happen. It was getting late. So to fill the time I drove out of the cliffs and checked my phone—still no word. So I had my friend Esther check my email. And there it was, “This is to inform you that the position has been filled—thanks but no thanks.” I had decided that if I didn’t get the job I would know that it wasn’t for me, that there was something better waiting for me. But it is never easy to get rejected.
By the time I got back , the hikers had been gathered. Everyone soon knew about the job and had offered their love and support, but I needed to get out and breathe hard for a bit. We began by being dropped off by Chimney Rock and The Castle and began the decent into the river bed—but there was no river. It was another wash for a bit. Red walls towered thirty feet above us, sage brush and Mormon Tea and cottonwoods clung to the banks the river had long ago abandoned. It was beautiful but desolate—kind of how I was feeling.
We finally came to the river and began the seemingly pointless crisscrossing of the creek—back and forth. At first I though my brother was just messing with us, but my dad acted like it was normal, so I just tried to enjoy the scenery and keep up with the break neck pace my brother had set. We had to get out of the canyon before dark after all. We would cut across the big goose necks of the bank to try and make better time and leapt across stone in the creek which started become bigger and flow faster. Soon it became apparent that the only way to follow a creek is to stay on the side that had enough room for us to walk along. So that was what my brother was doing—it was leading and could see where the creek was running. He knew where we needed to go long before I knew it. By the time I got to where it would matter I was on the right side of the creek, not walking in water up to my knees.
The river began to get louder, “Listen to the river, what is it saying?” my brother shouted back to me. When we were younger we had a youth leader who would take us on the Snake River white water rafting. He would always draw attention to the fact that the river always got louder when rapids were coming. I replied back to Aaron that there must be rapids ahead. “You have no idea,” he snickered. The canyon walls were getting closer and closer together. We had reached the first major obstacle—there were three in total. We began going downhill following the now madly rushing creek. The sandstone made ledges to walk on, but we still had to go back and forth for a while. And suddenly there it was—we were standing at the top of a waterfall and ten feet of plunging water hid where we were supposed to be walking. My brother decided that we novices should figure out how to get down. We all walked to the ledge and saw a huge dead tree trunk jammed in the slot canyon we were now in. How were we going to get down? 
Staring down the cliff where this waterfall began, my thoughts continued to roil and foam like the water falling to the pool ten feet below. Everything felt like a dead end--and though I have been doing a find job of maintaining optimism--it was discouraging. Suddenly I thought of The Sound of Music because that is how my mind works. "When God closes a door, he always opens a window." I turned to look back at my brother and dad. They were standing on the other side of the creek--grinning like fools--and suddenly I saw it. On the other side there was an outcropping to the side of the water, making a nice little path. We all moved to this ledge and saw that by doing some hotfooting down the canyon walls we could get down--without even getting wet. Aaron went down, then Brady and Kristi, and then it was my turn. Brady and Aaron stood at the bottom letting me find my footing, helping if I needed it, and acting as a human net if I fell. But I didn't fall--I made it. As soon as we were all down we had to bend double to get out from under the walls of the slot canyon.
On the other side we were in the sun again and began the same process of crisscrossing the river. We made great time but ultimately we could just jump the river we had to get down into it. The water wasn't unpleasant--it was the sand in my socks that got to me. Aaron was still setting a break neck pace with Kristi and Brady, Dad and I were in the middle, and Joy and Joe brought up the rear. Dad and I walked companionably in silence. Joe kept hoping the river, picking up rocks, finding feathers. It totally explains his son Carter. Again the walls began to come back together and the river started talking again. We soon caught up to Aaron and the second obstacle. We had to walk in the rushing water through the slot canyon and then down a steep drop of another water fall. But again this time we found a side way above the water that brought us down to the side and down safely. Also again I found my way down with Brady ready to catch me if I fell. My shoes were soaked and the rock was slippery. But we made it.
Aaron started talking about how what we were doing was tame in comparison with what they had been through before. The old legends of Sulfur Creek were told as we continued weaving along the creek, in the creek, and around the creek. I began to relax. This was much more fun than brooding. I had made up my mind that if I didn't get the job that there was somewhere better for me. I knew from past experiences that the Lord would guide me, even when I felt like there was no where to go. And as always, He would bring others into my life to help me in case I fell, or to keep me from falling in the first place. I began to feel extremely blessed. And then the water started talking again.
We had to go through the slot canyon again, and the water was really fast. We soon realized that we were looking over an ancient bowl cut into the sandstone that showed evidence of being filled with a lot of water--a lake of water. This was the famous waterfall and lake from all of the stories. But this time the lake was a deep green pool surrounded by the flotsam and jetsam of previous rainfalls. The drop was around twelve feet in some places. Joe went down first, much to Joy's chagrin. There were several place we could try to get down, all of them involved sheer drops off of smooth sandstone walls. Being wet, I had slipped down the channel cut by the waterfall and Aaron and Brady kept me from going over, but I was more wet than before. This made everything slippery. Kristi seemed concerned, but I figured that if we had made it this far, we would be fine now. The problem was we didn't know how deep the water was. In the past Aaron had to swim to get to the other side. Now we weren't sure. But Joe was already down and in an act of sheer stupid curiosity he started into the pool. He soon discovered that one side was much deeper than the other--we could come down on the shallow side and be fine. But how would we get down?
I find no shame in coming down anything on my backside. I had already slipped so I stayed sitting while the others came up with ways to get down. Aaron had rope--and while they were debating I suddenly began to slip again. Brady and Aaron were down already and reached up to catch me. They caught my arms and in a kind of controlled fall, I figured out the easiest way down. "I'm coming down" I laughed as we all reacted as we needed to--and I was down, standing in four inches of water. We all laughed and the other girls came down. In my head I snarkishly thought, "Boy am I glad for the priesthood". And then I realized how true it was.
My life is a controlled fall right now. I know where I need to go, I know how to begin, but I don't know exactly how to get there in the interim. I am surrounded by guides, and companions, and people to make me laugh. I will fall, I have fallen, and I believe that I will yet fall--I have accepted it. Just when I start to wonder about things I am taken to a lovely waterfall, or a huge cottonwood tree, or a shining path of water. All of these lovely things--like the kiva we found that was hiding at the end of the trail--are things that I don't want to miss, and I would miss them if the path didn't wind a bit. By the end of the hike I felt great about life, about the job, about the food waiting for us, and that other than some huge blisters from the sand, I was physically fine. Those blisters are just reminders that my footsteps are known. It will all be okay.
I will be okay." 'Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham? Because, knowing what his future would be and that he would be the father of an innumerable posterity, he was determined to test him. God did not do this for His own sake for He knew by His foreknowledge what Abraham would do; but th purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other way. That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge, for He knows all things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But he tries us for our own good that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should know himself' " (Prophets, Priests, and Kings p. 43).
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