It is necessary.
When this story stopped being about me and became about Abigail, a strange thing happened. I was able to write the pain, but not get consumed by it. I have been singed, but not consumed. When we got back from WIFYR, Lee worked in my room while I was out and about. When I came back from church on Sunday she said she had been looking at my collection: my books, my pictures, my stuff. She turned to me and said:
We are hoarders.
I laughed and she laughed. And then we looked at each other. It is true.
The conversation progressed over the next few weeks and late one night we had a deep discussion about what books had become for us. Don't get me wrong. Books are wonderful. But books had become more than just pages. They were symbols, evidence of survival. Proof of worth.
There is an old Simon and Garfunkel song: "I am a rock, I am an island."
The lyrics go like this:
I have my books, and my poetry to protect me.
I am shielded in my armor.
Hiding in my room,
safe within my womb,
I touch no one and no one touches me.
. . .
Woah.
Yeah. So. Huh.
I don't need things to prove that I am a person of worth. I don't need books as a symbol of my intelligence. I feel like I am doing some deep healing here. And as with any major change of behavior, there has been some blow back.
"There are a lot of worse things to hoard than books."
"How many books are you getting rid of? What if you need them?"
"Are you just going to dump them at the thrift store? Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?"
You don't have to have the pages to still have the story in you. Those experiences are priceless and they will always be with me.
I went to my bookshelves and I pulled all the books that I haven't re-read in the last five years. I am a compulsive re-reader. If I haven't read it again yet, I am not going to. I got rid of the books that I wasn't ever going to read, but were on my shelves because it was a book and that is what I do: collect books. I got rid of teaching books that I am never going to use again. Old editions. You may not be able to see it but there are 220 books in those bags. They are two deep and three tall.
It may not look like it, but this is a huge change for my bookshelves. I am not going to get rid of all my books. But I want them to mean something, something healthy. A lot of my fellow writers have been writing about the need to divest ourselves of stuff. Maybe it is a byproduct of creation. Make new stuff, get rid of the old stuff.
Write hard and clear about what hurts. ~ Ernest Heminway
