Snarl! Snap! Snork! Sigh!

To say that life has been trying is fair. I have been through enough to know that I have to stop pretending everything is fine. If you don't believe me read this book! Usually when we say that everything is fine, it is not fine. It is far from Fine. Fine is a land long, long ago and far, far way. Also according to one of my favorite movies fine stands for Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.  Well, that might apply here. 


Last week I found out I did not get the promotion to full time faculty.  I have been languishing at part time after losing full time and benefits because of the economic crisis. I got the opportunity to apply again.  I was really hoping that experience would be a plus here.  Nope. Thanks. . . but no thanks. We love you, but not enough to pay you what you are worth. Sigh. (Reminds me of guys who said that I am the kind of girl they wanted to marry, and then didn't.)


Then today I found out they are kicking me out of my office. 


I just want to spit. To turn into a crayon scribbly of black monsterness and snarl and snap and snork until I am ready to cry about this, which I am. It is hard when you think you have found your place to find that it wasn't your place. It was a stop on the way to your place. And you thought that you were done trying to find that place.


Well actually, I have enough perspective to know that the place that is mine is on the floor of a small duplex, sitting on a carpet of multi-hued squares, petulantly picking at an excellently made turkey and American cheese sandwich on sunflower seed bread, with sugar snap peas, and baby carrots.  Two wrappers of 60% Cacoa Ghiridelli Dark Chocolate squares are abandoned on the wooden tray at my side. A can of Hansen's Natural Cane Soda Cherry Vanilla Creme gives me just enough of a natural sugar spike to pick myself back up and start writing what I was going to write two hours ago when I got the email from the school informing of my precipitous move. 


I guess all that we can really hope for when we have trying (as in trial) times in our lives are the spaces that are safe enough to get us to start "trying" (as in doing, caring, hoping, and praying) again. 


The reason I teach is the reason I write. And the reason I write is nicely stated by Kurt Vonnegut:


Well, I've worried some about, you know, why write books ... why are we teaching people to write books when presidents and senators do not read them, and generals do not read them. And it's been the university experience that taught me that there is a very good reason, that you catch people before they become generals and presidents and so forth and you poison their minds with ... humanity, and however you want to poison their minds, it's presumably to encourage them to make a better world.


So it is time to put my money where my mouth is. Am I going to use my powers for good or not? Even without an office?




Yes.
Sigh.